And the low hits...

Yup, knew it was going to happen. It always does. It didn't go like I thought, but if I had planned for it then it would have been expected and then not hurt so much. I don't care as much as you think I do. I really don't. I just don't want you to lie. It's more then I can take. I can take that you're sleeping with someone else. That you're willing to travel across the state for her. Sure all of it hurts, but it's better then you pretending you aren't doing it. Now my brain is left spiraling out of control coming up with things. I bet 90% of them aren't true, but my brain is making every scenario possible. UGH!!!!! I hate that I do this to myself. Why can't my brain be nice? Why do I constantly hurt myself? Why do I dislike myself so much? I KNOW so much, but can't act on any of it. My willpower is shot. My self esteem in the toilet. How did I let this happen? How do I fix it? I wish there was a magic pill or time machine. That way I can undo all this pain. I know it won't happen, but I can dream...