Moving On...

So the last few months have been full of ups and downs. I have felt neurotic. Happy/sad depending on you. I had the chance to tell you it was over the other day. That felt good. It really did. I had the power. And guess what, I still do. I asked you to coffee as a friend. You can't be bothered to respond. Do you know how much of a wimp that makes you? I literally stated, "If you don't want to, just say no." Guess that was too much for you. Do you think that you have the power because you didn't respond? Well, the joke is on you. I actually expected to hear "no" from you so no response did catch me off guard. But since you can't be man enough to express an opinion I am forced to apply mine to you. Therefore, we are not friends, never were really. Oh, don't worry you probably won't even notice. But I will. I know. I feel different now. I finally feel like I have control over my emotions again. Not only do I not care what you think. I don't care if you think it (whatever it may be). Enjoy the life you have created. It will be lonely. You did it to yourself. Maybe one day you will learn, but like most things in life, probably not. Good luck to you and whoever comes into your life, because it won't be me.

You have a girlfriend

Wow. Technology is the great give a wayer. Just saw that some girl posted on how you have her heart. Guess she doesn't know about the other day, huh? Then you had her take it down. Guess you don't want people to know. Hmmmmm. I'm not gonna tell, but I feel sorry for her when you hurt her. Which I'm sure you will. The lies you tell are so complicated. I can't keep up. Glad I've stayed away. So good luck with your new...whatever you want to call it. Don't call me when it's over.

And the low hits...

Yup, knew it was going to happen. It always does. It didn't go like I thought, but if I had planned for it then it would have been expected and then not hurt so much. I don't care as much as you think I do. I really don't. I just don't want you to lie. It's more then I can take. I can take that you're sleeping with someone else. That you're willing to travel across the state for her. Sure all of it hurts, but it's better then you pretending you aren't doing it. Now my brain is left spiraling out of control coming up with things. I bet 90% of them aren't true, but my brain is making every scenario possible. UGH!!!!! I hate that I do this to myself. Why can't my brain be nice? Why do I constantly hurt myself? Why do I dislike myself so much? I KNOW so much, but can't act on any of it. My willpower is shot. My self esteem in the toilet. How did I let this happen? How do I fix it? I wish there was a magic pill or time machine. That way I can undo all this pain. I know it won't happen, but I can dream...

Oops I did it again

How is it that just a few days ago I was miserable and hung up on you. But today I'm happy as can be! Oh, I know, I screwed up...again! It must have been the way you looked at me. But now I know, you like me. I know this won't end well. Hell, it probably won't even happen again. But for now I'm still riding the high. It seems kind of pathetic, me feeling this way. I'm sure my emotional rollercoaster isn't going to end soon. I'm sure there are many more ups and downs. Not sure how to handle the future. For now one day at a time works.

Isn't all about being happy and doing things that make you smile? If life is miserable, what's the point. To me it all seems to make sense. It could be so easy. But you see things differently. You will complicate, deny, and fight this. In the end, you're probably right, but wasn't it fun?

So for those of you out there reading...any thoughts, advice, or questions?

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

How much am I going to take? How much more should I take? Why does any of this matter? Did you ever respect me?

In life there is truth, half truth, and straight up lies. Why do people have a such a hard time being honest with the little things? Are you trying to "spare" my feelings? Because let me tell you, it hurts ten times worse to find out the truth. And the funny thing is, you're the one telling me the truth and the lie. I liked you, I really did. I thought we had a lot in common. I thought you were my friend. I thought we had fun together. I thought you enjoyed spending time with me. I'm starting to think it was all a lie. I think you use people. I think you used me. I think I like that you needed me. I think I let you use me. But it wasn't all my fault! You lied to me. It's one thing for me to help you for reason X it's a completely different thing when it comes to reason Y. I would have loved to see your face this morning when you realized your mistake. Oops! So now I can't trust you. I can't trust you at all. And you know what, that really hurts. It truly does. I'm sad on so many different levels right now. I'm mad at you and mad at myself. Why do I let you treat me this way? I'm hoping that how I feel now puts a stop to things. Puts a stop to my stupid imagination. Puts a stop to fantasy land. I don't live there. I live here in the real world where people use you, abuse you, and throw you away. I wanted to think you were different. You made things sound so good. But you weren't any different. In fact you might have been worse. So here I sit crying, because of you. I want to be one of those women who say, "I'll never cry over you!" But I have so congratulations on being just one more asshole who I unfortunately have let into my life. Part of me knows I deserve better, but the other part of me feels unworthy of being treated right. I hope and pray that today is enough to get you out of my head. I know you aren't leaving my life. That's fine, but I hope I quit bending over backwards to help you out. I hope I quit wanting you. I hope my head shuts up. I hope you can be a better friend. I hope I never have to rely on you. I hope I quit loving you!

Have Fun!

So I've noticed that lately I have been trying to have more fun. This makes me wonder when I stopped having fun. How does that happen. How do we get so busy or so grown up that we forget to do things that make us smile. I went to the fair over the weekend. And I rode the rides. I can't tell you the last time I did that. Spinning in circles, making myself sick, and laughing my head off. With all the things I'm trying to do for myself this year, I'm going to add this in too.

No one is going to make me feel bad for being myself. I'm not going to let you use me. And I'm going to stop being such a stick in the mud and just start having fun. I think the world needs for laughter. More fun. Things that make you smile. Make a fool of yourself. Most likely no one will notice and if they do, so what! It's your life-live it to the fullest and enjoy it. That's what I plan on doing this week.

Today I had lunch with a friend. The same one that made me feel bad earlier this month. Well, I don't care what he thinks anymore. And guess what, we had a great time. Well at least I did. I don't really care if he did or not. I enjoyed myself and laughed (okay mostly at him, but that's another story). So that's my goal. Laugh, have fun, and enjoy myself. Life is too stressful and busy to let it all go by so boringly. (And yes, I think I just made that word up!)

Being Used

You know, it's very hard to tell when someone is using you. Even as an adult I find myself questioning the motives of people. I just don't get the way people treat me sometimes. I am a loving generous person who just wants people to be her friend and treat her with respect and honesty. Why is this asking so much? One day I'm good for some things, but the next day not even worth talking to (and yes, I deserve to be treated better). Then you call because you need a ride or a sitter or something else in between, but want to grab lunch. Hell no? WTF! Why? I just find myself questioning. When do I start saying no? How do I treat myself with respect and still be your friend? Are we even friends? things to think about I guess...